Today I felt something that I haven't truly felt in several months now... a very strong desire to leave school. I am not enjoying my classes, I feel stupid 98% of the time (and the other 2% I'm in the bathroom), I'm exhausted and look like a zombie, and our section is growing more rude and insensitive by the day.
Every day is the same. I wake up, exhausted and puffy-eyed, drag myself into the shower (after wrestling with the water tank for a few minutes to get hot water), get dressed, review a case, bike to school. Then the morning meeting, three classes, Spanish three days a week, and straight into studying more cases. Each night a sense of dread grows from the pit of my stomach and gets bigger and bigger until I feel like I could throw up because I'm so stressed out about the possibility of getting cold-called in Operational Finance or Managerial Accounting the one time I'm even slightly unprepared.
This really doesn't feel worth it. I mean, I don't even know why I'm doing this. To live in another country? I could do that without putting myself through this torture. To learn how to start my own business? By the time I finish this (if I ever manage to) I don't think I'll ever want to work again. To make new friends? I had great ones before!
Today was particularly bad because the worst part of this experience for me is the feeling stupid part. I really feel dumb all the time. And the problem is that a majority of our grade in some classes (and at least a portion of it in ALL classes) is based on class participation. It's very difficult to participate when there is a good chance 75 people could shoot you down or go "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" really loudly if they think you said something stupid. Seriously, these people are not nice. Something has happened this term and the comraderie and support that once existed has turned into rivalry and competition. No one is safe. I feel like never opening my mouth again.
This afternoon I was trying to work on the Operational Finance case and I misunderstood a number in a sentence. So my forecast for the sales growth of this stupid tire company was way off base. Someone came and looked over my shoulder (I was working alone, minding my own business) and asked how I was doing. I said, "Okay, I guess." He then looked at my calculation - I had only done one at that point - and started laughing at me. Then he told everyone else in the area how dumb I was for using the wrong number and everyone laughed. Hahaha! It's very funny! Laugh at the stupid idiot who has no idea how to do this crap!
Ahhh, Wednesday. I was tempted not to go to play soccer and to instead hole up in my room and try to keep working on the cases by myself. Instead my roommates consoled me (they are the highlight of my IESE experience) and convinced me to play soccer. I'm glad I did. It was the best part of what has been an otherwise shitty week. IS IT OVER YET?????