Today I felt something that I haven't truly felt in several months now... a very strong desire to leave school. I am not enjoying my classes, I feel stupid 98% of the time (and the other 2% I'm in the bathroom), I'm exhausted and look like a zombie, and our section is growing more rude and insensitive by the day.
Every day is the same. I wake up, exhausted and puffy-eyed, drag myself into the shower (after wrestling with the water tank for a few minutes to get hot water), get dressed, review a case, bike to school. Then the morning meeting, three classes, Spanish three days a week, and straight into studying more cases. Each night a sense of dread grows from the pit of my stomach and gets bigger and bigger until I feel like I could throw up because I'm so stressed out about the possibility of getting cold-called in Operational Finance or Managerial Accounting the one time I'm even slightly unprepared.
This really doesn't feel worth it. I mean, I don't even know why I'm doing this. To live in another country? I could do that without putting myself through this torture. To learn how to start my own business? By the time I finish this (if I ever manage to) I don't think I'll ever want to work again. To make new friends? I had great ones before!
Today was particularly bad because the worst part of this experience for me is the feeling stupid part. I really feel dumb all the time. And the problem is that a majority of our grade in some classes (and at least a portion of it in ALL classes) is based on class participation. It's very difficult to participate when there is a good chance 75 people could shoot you down or go "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" really loudly if they think you said something stupid. Seriously, these people are not nice. Something has happened this term and the comraderie and support that once existed has turned into rivalry and competition. No one is safe. I feel like never opening my mouth again.
This afternoon I was trying to work on the Operational Finance case and I misunderstood a number in a sentence. So my forecast for the sales growth of this stupid tire company was way off base. Someone came and looked over my shoulder (I was working alone, minding my own business) and asked how I was doing. I said, "Okay, I guess." He then looked at my calculation - I had only done one at that point - and started laughing at me. Then he told everyone else in the area how dumb I was for using the wrong number and everyone laughed. Hahaha! It's very funny! Laugh at the stupid idiot who has no idea how to do this crap!
Ahhh, Wednesday. I was tempted not to go to play soccer and to instead hole up in my room and try to keep working on the cases by myself. Instead my roommates consoled me (they are the highlight of my IESE experience) and convinced me to play soccer. I'm glad I did. It was the best part of what has been an otherwise shitty week. IS IT OVER YET?????
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4 comments:
Glad you played soccer to get some of the stress out. It's nice to be blessed with friends like your roomies and tomorrow is another day and it will change for sure. I don't know if this was a mistake for you or not, but you'll figure that out, and I know you're gonna be OK no matter what. Chin up and Rock on!
Maybe the problem with your classmates is that everyone else is feeling just as frustrated as you are with IESE, but they don't feel as safe as you do expressing their true feelings? Too bad! At least you are living with great bunch of people you really enjoy!
A couple thoughts:
1. It may be time for a road trip with some old friends to 'get away' from it all.
2. The next time someone pulls something like that concerning finance (the calculations); tell them to 'get stuffed'
This pressure is immense but don't take this stuff too seriously. It's just not worth it.
Good luck and take care.
al
Cheer up kid,
First of all, you are far from the only person who feels confused or stupid at times. You´re just one of the few who has the courage to participate despite the insecurity, which is the whole point. More importantly, those jackasses that have all the right calculations on their multi-colored spread sheets will be working for you some day, pumping out the same spread sheets as most of them lack pretty basic social skills.
Furthermore, like Cameron, they´ll marry the first person they screw at age 35 and be the bitch both at work and school, inevitably dying miserable and bitter.
If that doesn´t even things out, I don´t know what does.
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